I Always Thought I Was Straight Until I Moved In With My Best Friend. Now Our Landlord Is Kicking Us Out And I Have To Decide. Should I Tell Him How I Feel Before We Lose Everything?

Unexpected Feelings

I’ve never looked at a man before. But when my gay best friend touched my hand, I almost told him everything. Almost two years ago, I met my current roommate at the gym. We hit it off immediately and started hanging out outside of our workouts.

We became close friends, and eventually, he told me he was gay. I supported him completely, and it only made our friendship stronger. At the beginning of this year, he was living alone, and I needed a place to stay, so I moved into his second bedroom.

I hadn’t lived with a roommate since college, so it was nice having someone around again. We both work from home now, so we spend our days in our separate rooms and then hang out together every evening.

The first time I ever felt anything for him was when I bumped into him in the hallway. You know when you round a corner too fast and collide with someone? We laughed and walked away, but when we were close to each other, I felt this flip in my stomach.

Butterflies. I thought it was so weird. I convinced myself I was just so touch-starved that my body was confusing signals. Then it happened again when he reached over to look at a tattoo on my arm.

I knew then that something was different. That was a few months ago. It took me a long time to admit to myself that I might actually have feelings for him.

The Shift

For weeks, I ignored it or denied it. But lately, I just really want him. The other day, I came up behind him while he was sitting on the couch. I put my hands on his shoulders to ask what he wanted to do that night.

He reached up and put his hands on top of mine. I nearly stopped breathing. I wanted so badly to lean down and wrap my arms around him. Instead, I pulled away.

I’ve always said I was straight, but I’m not an idiot. I know there’s a spectrum. If you asked drunk me a year ago whether I would kiss a guy on a dare, I probably would have said sure. But if you asked sober me a year ago whether I would ever date a man for real, I would have said absolutely not.

Now, I’m not so sure. Lately, the moments between us have been getting harder to ignore. For a while, I don’t think he noticed because we’ve always been playful with each other. But now, the tension is starting to become obvious.

Sometimes when we drink at home, I catch myself staring at his eyes for a second too long. Last week, I came into the kitchen after a shower. I have waist-length hair, and it was still wet.

He looked at me and made this sound like a soft laugh. I kept asking him what was funny, and he wouldn’t tell me. Finally, I got it out of him.

He said, “Nothing, it’s just your hair looks nice like that.”

Then he laughed and called me “little metal head.” I turned so red I had to leave the kitchen and go to my room. I threw myself onto my bed and stared at the ceiling for an hour.

Christmas Preparations

I still think about him saying that every single day. I really want to tell him how I feel, but I don’t know what to say or how to say it. If he rejects me, I don’t think I will ever recover.

We’re spending Christmas together this year, just the two of us. We’re getting our tree this weekend, and I’ve decided that’s when I’m going to tell him. I’ve been rehearsing what to say in my head for days.

Last night, we were watching a movie on the couch, and he fell asleep with his head on my shoulder. I didn’t move for two hours. When he woke up, he looked up at me and smiled.

He said, “Sorry.”

I told him it was fine. He didn’t move away. He just stayed there looking at me. Then he said my name in this voice I had never heard from him before and asked if he could tell me something.

My heart was pounding so hard I could barely hear him. Before he could say anything else, his phone rang. It was his mom. He got up to take the call, and when he came back, the moment was gone.

He said good night and went to his room. I’ve been lying awake since 3:00 in the morning wondering what he was about to say. The tree lot opens in four hours. I don’t think I can wait until then to find out.