My Husband “Volunteered” Me To Be Free Daycare For His Entire Family Behind My Back. He Told Them I Was “Hormonal” When I Said No. Aita For Packing My Bags And Leaving Him With 6 Kids While He Went Golfing?
A Pattern Revealed
At my mom’s house, I sat at her kitchen table with a notebook and started writing everything down. Every single incident from the past three weeks. The first Saturday when Derrick’s brother dropped off two kids without warning. The Tuesday when his cousin handed me an infant without a car seat. The Wednesday when his sister left three kids for six hours. The time one child got sick in our bathroom and I cleaned it up while managing four others. The broken lamp nobody offered to replace.
The Friday afternoon when I had five children under age seven in my living room and no idea when anyone was coming back. The Saturday morning Derrick went golfing while I watched six kids including my own. Every dismissive comment Derrick made when I objected. Every time he said I was being dramatic or selfish or not a team player. Every time he told me real wives helped their husband’s families. Every time he said his mother did this without complaining.
The list filled three pages. I kept remembering more things. The time I had to cancel a doctor appointment because Derrick’s sister dropped off kids early. The afternoon I missed my own daughter’s school event because I was watching someone else’s children. The evening Derrick came home and asked why I looked tired when I’d just been home all day.
I stared at the pages and realized how much worse it was than I’d even acknowledged to myself. My mom came into the kitchen and poured herself coffee. She sat down across from me and I pushed the notebook toward her. She read through all three pages without saying anything. When she finished, she looked up at me with this serious expression.
She asked if this was the first time Derrick had made decisions about my life without asking me. I opened my mouth to say yes but then I stopped. I thought about how Derrick decided we’d spend every Christmas with his family without discussing it with me first. How he told his parents we’d host Thanksgiving before checking if I was okay with that. How he signed us up for his brother’s moving help without asking if I was free that weekend. How he committed us to watching his parents’ dog for two weeks while they vacationed without seeing if I was comfortable with that. How he bought a new truck without talking to me about the budget impact. How he invited his friends over for poker night and told me about it the day they showed up.
The pattern had been there since we got married. I just never connected it all together before. I told my mom it wasn’t the first time. She nodded like she’d already known the answer.
Family Pressure
My phone rang. Derrick’s cousin Seth. I almost didn’t answer but my mom said I should hear what he had to say. I put it on speaker.
Seth started talking immediately about how he heard I was refusing to be part of the family support system. He said family helps each other and that’s how it works. He said I was being individualistic and selfish. He said Derrick was trying to bring everyone closer together and I was making it difficult. He said his wife watched his sister’s kids all the time and never complained about it. He said that’s what family does.
He talked for three straight minutes without letting me get a word in. When he finally paused, I asked him one question: did anyone ask me before deciding I would provide free child care for the entire extended family?
Seth said that wasn’t the point. He said that’s not how family works. He said you just help when help is needed. He said Derrick was being thoughtful by volunteering me because he knew I was good with kids and home anyway. He said I should be grateful Derrick thought of ways to include me in family life.
I told Seth that volunteering someone else’s time without their consent wasn’t thoughtful; I said it was controlling. I said Derrick made commitments using my time without my permission and that wasn’t okay.
Seth got quiet for a second. Then he said I had modern ideas about marriage that didn’t align with family values. He said traditional families support each other without keeping score. He said I was bringing toxic independence into what should be a communal family structure. Then he hung up on me.
I sat there staring at my phone. My mom reached across the table and squeezed my hand.
She said, “Seth just told me everything I needed to know about how Derrick’s family viewed me: not as a person with my own autonomy, but as a resource they could use however they wanted.”
