My Husband “Volunteered” Me To Be Free Daycare For His Entire Family Behind My Back. He Told Them I Was “Hormonal” When I Said No. Aita For Packing My Bags And Leaving Him With 6 Kids While He Went Golfing?

The Attempted Reconciliation

Two hours later, Derrick showed up at my mom’s front door. I heard him talking to my mom in the entryway. She let him in but she didn’t leave us alone. He came into the kitchen looking frustrated and tired. He said we needed to talk. He sat down at the table without being invited.

He said his family was mad at him now. He said his mom called him disappointed. He said his sister wasn’t speaking to him. He said Seth told everyone I was being difficult about family values. He said this was getting out of hand. He said if I would just watch the kids a few times everyone would calm down and things could go back to normal.

I looked at him and said no. I said the answer was no. I said the real issue wasn’t about watching kids; I said the real issue was that he didn’t see anything wrong with what he did.

Derrick got defensive immediately. He said helping family shouldn’t be this big of a deal. He said I was making our marriage problem into a family crisis. He said if I cared about our relationship I’d help smooth things over with his family. He said I was forcing him to choose between his wife and his family.

My mom spoke up from where she was standing by the counter. She asked Derrick directly if he got my permission before telling everyone I’d provide child care. Derrick looked at her and then at me. He admitted he didn’t ask. He said he knew I’d say yes eventually. He said I was good with kids and home anyway so it made sense. He said he didn’t think he needed to ask because it was obvious I’d want to help family.

I felt something shift in my chest. He actually believed he didn’t need my permission to volunteer my time. He actually thought being good with kids meant I automatically owed child care to his entire family. He actually saw nothing wrong with making commitments using my labor without my consent.

Derrick kept talking. He said he thought I’d be happy to be more involved with his family. He said he was trying to help me feel included. He said he knew I sometimes felt like an outsider at family gatherings so he thought giving me a role would help. He said he was trying to do something nice for me.

I told Derrick that forcing involvement wasn’t inclusion. I said “voluntelling” someone wasn’t the same as inviting them. I said making decisions about my time without asking me was disrespectful. I said if he wanted me involved with his family he should have asked me what kind of involvement I wanted, not assigned me a job I never agreed to do.

Derrick stood up fast enough that his chair scraped loudly against the floor. He said I was choosing my pride over family harmony. He said I was willing to destroy his relationships with his siblings and parents just to prove a point. He said I was being stubborn and unreasonable. He said he came here to work things out but I clearly wasn’t interested in compromise.

He walked out of the kitchen and I heard the front door close hard behind him. My mom sat down in the chair Derrick had just left.

She said, “Derrick’s definition of harmony seemed to be everyone doing what he wants without complaint. His version of compromise was me giving in to what he’d already decided. You need to think carefully about whether this was a marriage you want to stay in.”

The Guilt Trip Campaign

Over the next week, my phone buzzed constantly with messages from Derrick’s family. His brother sent a text saying I was making things harder for everyone by refusing to help out. Derrick’s cousin messaged asking if I was really going to let family relationships fall apart over babysitting. Another sister-in-law sent a long paragraph about how she always thought I was part of the family but now she wasn’t sure.

Each message had a different approach but the same goal. Some tried anger, telling me I was being difficult and causing problems. Others went for guilt, reminding me about family gatherings where everyone had been nice to me and now I was repaying that kindness by refusing to help. A few used the concerned approach, saying they were worried about my marriage and mental state, suggesting maybe I was overwhelmed and not thinking clearly.

I read each message and felt the same frustration building. Nobody was asking why I was upset. Nobody was questioning whether Derrick should have asked me first. They were all focused on getting me to change my mind and go back to being their free child care.

Derrick’s sister Ila sent the longest message on Thursday afternoon. I was sitting at my mom’s kitchen table when my phone lit up with a notification. The message filled my entire screen and I had to scroll to read it all.

She wrote about how family sacrifices for each other without keeping score. She said their mom had watched all the grandkids over the years and never complained once. She said that’s what family does: they help each other through busy times and hard seasons.

She wrote that I was being selfish by making this about me instead of thinking about the bigger picture of family support. She said my attitude was hurting everyone, not just Derrick, and that I needed to think about whether I really valued being part of their family. She said if I loved Derrick I would want to help maintain good relationships with his siblings and parents. She said she was disappointed in me because she thought I understood what family meant. The message ended with her saying she hoped I would reconsider my position before I damaged relationships that couldn’t be repaired.

I stared at the message for several minutes before responding. I typed out my reply carefully, reading it twice before sending.

I told Ila that her mom chose to watch grandkids; nobody volunteered her time without asking her first. Nobody showed up at her door with children and expected her to take them without any discussion. I explained that Derrick made commitments using my time without my knowledge or consent. I said that wasn’t sacrifice; that was being voluntold. I wrote that I would have been happy to discuss helping with child care if anyone had actually asked me, but nobody did. Derrick decided for me and then told everyone I agreed when I never said anything of the sort.

I said the issue wasn’t about helping family, it was about respect and consent and basic communication. I told her that volunteering someone else’s time without asking them first isn’t thoughtful or helpful, it’s controlling and disrespectful.

Ila replied within an hour. Her message was shorter this time but sharper. She said I was overthinking the whole situation and making it about control issues when it was really just about helping family. She wrote that I was creating drama where there didn’t need to be any.

She said, “If you really loved Derrick you would want to support his family relationships instead of making him choose between his wife and his family.”

She said, “You are being inflexible and rigid about something that should have been simple.”

She wrote that maybe I needed to think about why I was so focused on having everything my way instead of compromising. She said marriage was about give and take and all she was seeing from me was take.

The message felt like an attack disguised as concern. I put my phone down and walked away from it. I stood at my mom’s kitchen window looking out at her backyard. The realization settled over me slowly but completely. Derrick’s family saw nothing wrong with what he did because they benefited from free child care. They weren’t interested in understanding boundaries or consent or respect. They were interested in getting their babysitter back.

Every message, every guilt trip, every manipulation attempt was about maintaining access to free child care, not about understanding my perspective or caring about my feelings. They had convinced themselves that family obligation meant I owed them my time and labor without question. They believed Derrick had the right to volunteer me for things without asking because that’s how they thought family worked. The fact that I objected to this arrangement made me the problem in their eyes, not Derrick who created the situation without my consent.

I realized I could explain my position a hundred different ways and it wouldn’t matter because they didn’t want to understand. They wanted compliance.