My Husband “Volunteered” Me To Be Free Daycare For His Entire Family Behind My Back. He Told Them I Was “Hormonal” When I Said No. Aita For Packing My Bags And Leaving Him With 6 Kids While He Went Golfing?

The Social Media Attack

Two days went by. I was at my mom’s house scrolling through my phone when I saw a new post from Derrick’s cousin Seth. It was a long paragraph about how modern marriages were losing their commitment to extended family. He wrote about how traditional values meant supporting your spouse’s family without question. He talked about how keeping score in families destroyed relationships.

He said, “People today are too focused on individual rights instead of family obligations.”

The post didn’t mention me by name but it was obviously about our situation. The timing made that clear. Several of Derrick’s family members had already liked the post. Ila commented saying she agreed completely. Derrick’s brother’s wife commented with a bunch of supportive emojis.

I felt sick reading it. Our private family problem was now a public statement about my character. Seth had turned my boundary into a social media lecture about my values. I took screenshots of the post and all the comments then I called Derrick. He was still at our house. I asked if he had seen Seth’s post.

Derrick said, “Yeah, I saw it.”

He said Seth was just venting and I shouldn’t take it personally. He said I should ignore it instead of making it into a bigger issue than it needed to be.

I felt my anger rising. I told Derrick that his family was now publicly shaming me because I wouldn’t provide free child care that I never agreed to in the first place. I said they were posting on social media about how I lacked family values. I said this was humiliating and he needed to tell Seth to take it down.

Derrick sighed and said I was being too sensitive. He said social media posts didn’t matter in real life. He said Seth wasn’t even using my name so nobody would know it was about me. I said everyone in his family knew exactly what it was about based on the timing and the comments from his relatives. Derrick said I was overreacting and that I should just block Seth if the post bothered me that much.

I hung up and sat there feeling angry and hurt. My mom came into the room and asked what was wrong. I showed her the post and explained what Derrick had said. She read through it carefully then looked at me with concern.

She said this whole situation was showing some serious problems with boundaries and respect. She said the way Derrick kept dismissing my feelings and the way his family felt entitled to my time were both red flags. She suggested I talk to a therapist about everything that had been happening. She said the boundary violations and the gaslighting were serious issues that I might need professional help processing.

I agreed. I felt overwhelmed by everything and I needed someone outside the situation to help me think through it all. I looked up therapists in the area and found one who had openings. I made an appointment for the following week.

Therapy and Clarity

The day of my first therapy session arrived. I drove to the office and sat in the waiting room feeling nervous. When the therapist called me back I followed her into a small office with comfortable chairs. She asked me to explain what brought me in. I started talking and everything came pouring out.

I told her about Derrick volunteering my time without asking. I told her about three weeks of unexpected kids being dropped off. I told her about leaving and going to my mom’s house. I told her about the family video call and Seth’s social media post. I told her about Derrick dismissing my feelings over and over.

The therapist listened carefully and took notes. Then she asked me to describe other times Derrick had made decisions about my life without consulting me first. I started thinking back through our marriage. I realized there were many examples I had never really noticed before. He had accepted a job in a different city without discussing it with me first. He had volunteered us to host his family’s holiday gathering without asking if I was comfortable with that. He had made plans for us on weekends without checking my schedule. He had bought a car without talking to me about it even though it affected our budget. The list went on.

I sat there feeling stunned as I recognized the pattern that had been there all along. The therapist helped me understand what I was seeing. She said this wasn’t just about child care. She said it was about Derrick not viewing me as an equal partner whose consent and time mattered. She explained that in healthy relationships both people have equal say in decisions that affect them. She said what I was describing was a pattern of disrespect where Derrick made unilateral choices and expected me to go along with them. She said this kind of pattern wouldn’t change unless Derrick recognized there was a problem and committed to changing his behavior.

She asked how I felt about that. I said I felt scared and sad. I said I loved Derrick but I was starting to see that our marriage had some fundamental issues I hadn’t wanted to acknowledge before.

When I got back to my mom’s house that evening, Derrick called. I told him I had started seeing a therapist and that I was learning our marriage had some serious respect and boundary issues. Derrick got quiet for a moment, then his voice changed and he sounded defensive. He said I was letting a stranger turn me against him and his family. He said therapists always tried to break up marriages by convincing people their partners were bad. He said I was looking for problems that weren’t really there.

He said if I would just come home and stop being so stubborn about the child care thing, everything would go back to normal.

I told Derrick that “normal” was the problem. I said normal in our marriage meant him making decisions without me and expecting me to accept whatever he chose. I said I didn’t want that normal anymore.

Derrick went quiet for a long moment on the other end of the phone. When he spoke again his voice had that edge to it that meant he was getting mad. He said therapy was making me too focused on myself instead of thinking about us as a team.

I felt my grip tighten on the phone. I told him a team makes decisions together, which was exactly what he hadn’t been doing. He said I was twisting things around and hung up.

I sat there staring at my phone feeling the weight of everything pressing down on me. My next therapy session was three days later. I drove to the office and settled into the chair across from the therapist. She asked how things had gone since our last session. I told her about the phone call with Derrick and his reaction to me being in therapy. She listened and took notes.

Then she suggested couples counseling if Derrick was willing to try it. She said having a neutral third party might help us communicate better about the boundary issues. I told her I would ask him.

That evening I called Derrick and brought up the idea of couples counseling. He immediately said no. He said he didn’t need therapy and that we could work this out ourselves if I just stopped being so rigid about boundaries. I asked him what he meant by rigid. He said I was making hard rules about things that should be flexible in a marriage. He said family helping each other shouldn’t require formal agreements and permission slips.

I told him I wasn’t asking for formal agreements. I was asking to be consulted before he made commitments using my time. He said that was the same thing and that I was being difficult on purpose.

After we hung up I sat in my mom’s kitchen feeling something shift inside me. I realized Derrick didn’t think he had done anything wrong. He genuinely believed I was the problem for not going along with his decisions. He thought my objection to being volunteered as family daycare without my knowledge or consent was me being selfish and rigid. This clarity hurt but I needed it. I needed to understand that he wasn’t going to suddenly see my side because he didn’t think there was anything to see.