My Husband “Volunteered” Me To Be Free Daycare For His Entire Family Behind My Back. He Told Them I Was “Hormonal” When I Said No. Aita For Packing My Bags And Leaving Him With 6 Kids While He Went Golfing?

The Final Family Fallout

Three weeks after our first session, Derrick sent his message to the extended family. He wrote that he had made a mistake by volunteering my time without asking me first. He explained that there would be no family child care arrangement going forward. He said this was his error and he took full responsibility for creating an unfair situation.

Some family members responded with supportive messages saying they understood. Philip texted back that he appreciated Derrick being honest about what happened. A few people didn’t respond at all, which felt like they were ignoring the message on purpose.

Ila responded two days later with a snarky text. She wrote that she would remember this when Derrick needed help from family in the future. Her message made it clear she thought we were being selfish and that family was supposed to help each other without keeping score.

Derrick read her text and then wrote back. He told Ila that was her choice to make but he wasn’t going to pressure me into providing free child care just to maintain family approval. He said he valued his marriage more than he valued looking good to relatives. Ila didn’t respond after that. Derrick seemed bothered by her reaction but he didn’t take back what he said.

A New Normal

After two months of counseling and living at my mom’s house, I decided to move back home. Derrick had been making real changes in how he communicated and made decisions. He was checking with me before agreeing to things. He was setting boundaries with his family. He seemed to genuinely understand why what he did was wrong. I felt cautiously optimistic that we could make our marriage work if he kept making these changes.

Before I moved back we sat down and established new rules. Any decision that affected both of us required both people to agree. Family visits needed to be discussed and planned together. Neither of us would make commitments involving the other person without asking first. Derrick agreed to all of it. I packed up my things at my mom’s house and went home.

Two weeks after I moved back, Derrick’s parents invited us for dinner. His mom called and asked if we could come over on Saturday evening. Derrick checked with me first before agreeing, which felt like progress. We drove to their house and his mom answered the door. She hugged me and said she was glad we were working things out.

During dinner she brought up the child care situation. She said she wanted to apologize for not speaking up sooner. She explained that she had assumed I agreed to watch everyone’s kids because Derrick was so definite about the arrangement. She said she should have asked me directly instead of just taking Derrick’s word for it. Her apology felt genuine. I told her I appreciated her saying that.

The dinner was somewhat awkward but civil. Derrick’s dad didn’t say much during the meal. After we finished eating, he asked Derrick to help him with something in the garage. They were gone for about 20 minutes. When they came back Derrick looked thoughtful.

On the drive home Derrick told me what his dad had said. His dad told him that part of being a good husband is protecting your wife’s boundaries, even from family. He said that family is important but your spouse comes first and Derrick needed to remember that. Derrick said hearing that from his dad meant a lot because his dad had always emphasized family loyalty above everything else. The fact that his dad was telling him to put me first felt significant.

Three months after the initial crisis, Derrick and I were in a better place but still working on things in counseling. We went to sessions every other week now instead of every week. Derrick was learning to check with me before making commitments that involved my time or affected our schedule. I was learning to speak up earlier when something bothered me instead of letting issues build up. Our therapist said we were making good progress on communication and decision-making.

Derrick’s relationship with some family members had changed. Some people accepted the new boundaries and now asked me directly if I was available to watch kids occasionally, which I sometimes agreed to when it worked for my schedule. Other family members stayed distant and seemed to hold a grudge about the whole situation. Derrick was learning that real family respects your choices even when they don’t benefit from them.

Philip’s wife Agatha called me three weeks after Derrick sent his message to the family. She asked if I would be available to watch their kids the following Saturday afternoon while she and Philip went to a wedding. I appreciated that she called me directly instead of going through Derrick. I checked my schedule and told her I could do it from 2:00 to 6:00 that afternoon. She thanked me and said she’d drop them off at 2:00 sharp.

When Saturday came she arrived exactly on time with snacks packed and a list of emergency contacts. She picked them up at 6:15 and paid me for my time even though I told her it wasn’t necessary. That’s what the new normal looked like with some family members.

Others weren’t so understanding. Ila stopped speaking to Derrick almost completely after he sent that message. She showed up to family gatherings but barely acknowledged us. At Derrick’s parents’ house for Thanksgiving, she sat at the opposite end of the table and left right after dessert without saying goodbye. Derrick tried talking to her a few times but she shut him down every time. Christopher, her husband, was polite but distant. Their kids didn’t come to our house anymore, even for birthday parties.

Derrick struggled with Ila’s reaction more than he expected. He told me one night that he always thought family would understand once he explained things properly, but Ila seemed to take the whole situation as a personal insult. I reminded him that some people don’t want to understand; they just want things to go back to how they were when it benefited them.

Philip and Agatha became closer friends with us after everything settled down. They invited us over for dinner regularly and Philip told Derrick he respected him for standing up for his marriage even when it made family relationships complicated.

My therapist helped me work through my feelings about the family members who stayed angry. I told her I felt guilty sometimes that my boundaries had caused problems in Derrick’s family relationships. She asked me if I thought those relationships were healthy to begin with if they only worked when I was providing free labor without consent. I realized she had a point. She explained that some people only valued me for what I could do for them, not for who I was as a person. Losing relationships with people like that wasn’t actually a loss; it was removing something unhealthy from my life. She said I needed to stop viewing it as my failure and start seeing it as a natural consequence of setting reasonable boundaries. People who genuinely cared about me would respect those boundaries even if they didn’t like them.

A year after the whole child care crisis started, Derrick and I hosted a family barbecue at our house. We planned it together and sent out invitations three weeks in advance. Some family members came, others didn’t. Ila and Christopher sent their regrets. Philip and Agatha showed up early to help set up. Derrick’s parents came and his mom brought her famous potato salad.

During the barbecue Agatha asked if I could watch the kids the following weekend. I checked with Derrick about our plans first then told her I was free and would be happy to help.

Later that evening after everyone left, Derrick and I cleaned up the backyard together. He thanked me for agreeing to watch Philip’s kids. I told him it felt different when people asked instead of assumed. He agreed and said he finally understood why his original arrangement had been so wrong.

Our marriage was stronger because we learned to talk to each other before making decisions that affected both of us. We still went to counseling once a month to keep working on communication. The boundaries I fought for became our new normal. Some family relationships stayed damaged and probably always would be, but my relationship with Derrick was healthier because we both learned that being married means respecting each other’s choices.