My Husband Was Deaf For Two Years. Then One Night In The Kitchen, He Spoke To Me In Perfect English. How Do I Ever Trust Him Again?

The Cowardice Beneath

What did I want to do? I was seven months pregnant by that point, my belly was huge, my ankles were swollen, and I was living off Catherine’s charity and my dwindling savings. Richard had offered to keep paying all the bills, but I’d refused. Taking his money felt like accepting the lie.

“I don’t know if I can ever trust him again,”

I said.

“That’s fair. Trust once broken is very difficult to rebuild. But it’s not impossible. If, and this is a big if, both people are willing to do the work.”

“What work?”

“Brutal honesty. Complete transparency. Accountability. And time. A lot of time.”

I thought about that as I drove home—well, to Catherine’s house, which was home now. Could I do that work? Did I want to? The baby kicked hard and I put my hand on my belly.

“What do you think?”

I asked.

“Should we give your father a chance?”

Another kick? I took it as a yes, or maybe just gas. It was hard to tell.

Richard came to therapy with me the following week. It was the first time I’d seen him in a month and he looked terrible: thinner, gray under his eyes, his usually immaculate suit was wrinkled. He started to sign something automatically, then caught himself.

“Sorry. Habit.”

“Don’t,”

I said sharply.

“Don’t you dare use sign language with me again.”

His hands dropped.

“Okay.”

Dr. Chen gave us ground rules. I could ask any question and Richard had to answer honestly, no matter what. He couldn’t leave until the session was over. And we both had to commit to coming back.

“Why?”

I asked first.

“Not the bullshit about finding true love. The real reason. Why did you do this to me?”

Richard looked at his hands, then at Dr. Chen, then finally at me.

“Because I’m a coward.”

I hadn’t expected that.

“Julia didn’t leave me because I wasn’t romantic enough. She left me because I’m… I’m boring, Margaret. I’m good with computers and numbers but I’m terrible with people. Small talk makes me anxious. Social situations exhaust me. I’m awkward and stiff and I never know what to say.”

“So you decided to say nothing at all?”

“Yes.”

He met my eyes.

“Being deaf gave me an excuse. I didn’t have to make conversation at parties. I didn’t have to be charming. I could just exist, and people would think I was strong and brave instead of weird and antisocial. And I was… what? Your perfect disabled husband accessory? Someone to take care of you and make you look good?”

“No. You were… you were amazing, Margaret. Smart and talented and beautiful. Way out of my league. But as a deaf man, I had a chance. You saw me as someone who needed you, someone you could help. And I took advantage of that because I’m selfish and scared and I didn’t think about how it would affect you.”

I wanted to hit him. Or scream at him. Or both.

“You’re right,”

I said instead.

“You are a coward and selfish and you stole almost two years of my life.”

“I know.”

“You watched me give up my career.”

“I know. And that was wrong. If… if you want to go back to architecture, I’ll support that. Financially, logistically, whatever you need.”

“I’m about to have a baby, Richard. I can’t exactly start a new job right now.”

“Then after. Whenever you’re ready. I’ll hire a nanny. I’ll take parenting leave. Whatever it takes.”

Dr. Chen intervened.

“Richard, what Margaret is saying is that the consequences of your deception are real and lasting. You can’t just fix them with money or promises.”

“I know.”

He looked at me again.

“I know I can’t fix this. But I want to try. If you’ll let me.”

I didn’t answer. Couldn’t answer.